The Joke Thread

Sbob · Sep 17, 2021

Three of my former co workers decided to go on a fishing trip to Jersey . They met and Ed drove he packed all their coolers , lunch ,drinks and fishing rods . Ed was in his 50's and clearly going through his second childhood, Steve and Daryl were 20 something . Steve was an average guy for his age but Daryl was a farm boy who never touched alcohol and never once swore as far as anyone knew .
It was a 2 hour plus trip and usual chat about fish and bait , about an hour into the trip Ed said to Steve "I'm thirsty " Steve pulls out a 5th of JD and takes a swig and hands the bottle to Ed .
Ed offers Daryl a swig and he declines . About half an hour later the bottle is half empty and Ed and Steve are singing , Daryl is squirming in the back seat , Ed is having trouble staying in his lane , and swerving onto the shoulder .
Daryl is visibly shaken and sweating profusely as Ed and Steve have almost kicked the bottle. Eds driving has become erratic as they're on back roads across onto the oppisite shoulder and back ,Daryl is in a fetal position and mumbling .
Ed somehow manages to park the car. Daryl relieved to be at a stop lets out a sigh of relief.
Ed leans over the back seat and extends the bottle and says "Daryl are you sure you wouldn't like some Iced tea?"
Daryl slouches back and says " You F****ng Ass***es "

True story

ScottySkis · Sep 18, 2021

A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500. They did their thing, and before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT FOR APARTMENT.'
On the way to the office, he regretted that the whole event had not been worth the price. So he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following typed note:
Dear Madam:
Enclosed please find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was under the impression that:
#1 - it had been previously Unoccupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat and certainly no water, and
#3 - it was much too large for my comfort.
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for $250 with the following note:
'Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat and water, my apartment has plenty if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the management.
So, Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to contact your present landlady...

XTski · Sep 18, 2021

Nice thread sbob! while responding to crazy situations at clients renovations I didn’t have to worry about parking tickets as my company took care of them, when I had to meet a tile guy in DC I saw his tile truck out front I put a parking ticket I had gotten in Va on his windshield and then walking inside to meet him, a good while later we came out walk by his truck he pulls the ticket off his windshield and with a spanish accent started reading the ticket and his tone became funny as he was reading and sees Virginia! what the hell? Then he reads more of the ticket where it gives details on vehicle that is ticketed (license plate spelled the company I worked for) , was one of those where it was funnier to be there because he couldn’t afford a ticket in anyway, money, his boss would kill him etc. construction work is very hazardous so we made sure to have a good time when we could.

Harvey · Oct 19, 2021

The look from the batter is priceless.

https://twitter.com/x/status/1450275694383190017

D.B. Cooper · Oct 19, 2021

Harvey said:
The look from the batter is priceless.

High school baseball. We were killing the other team. I took a pitch 3" over the outside part of the plate. I looked back at the ump who said, "I had to give him one." I was livid.

tirolski · Oct 19, 2021

There was over a hundred thousand fans at the UT-Ole Miss game in Knoxville Saturday night.
Rebel coach Kiffin got hit with a Titleist during the same as the fans were pissed at the officiating and stopped the game for 20 minutes throwing stuff. Kiffin used to coach there.
Piss poor officiating is a joke.

https://twitter.com/x/status/1449608240841601030